In my bid to do the London to Brighton bike ride without being overtaken by a child on a trike, I’ve been getting on the saddle, this is what’s happened so far:
2 borrowed bike, thanks Glenn and Nick
5 rides
1 puncture
1 hour walk
1 fixed wheel
1 new DIY skill
5 sweaty t-shirts
1 smelly office
1 very very sore arse
2 sore shoulders
2 wobbly legs
Many angry drivers
At least 10 satisfied cyclists who over took me
This letter was recently sent by the Head Office of a big supermarket to a customer…
Dear Mrs. Murray
While we thank you for your valued custom the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras?
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3″ in
housewares….. and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department
and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, “Why can’t you people
just leave me alone?”
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK
ME!”
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed “NO! NO! It’s
those voices again.”
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door,waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here.”
People don’t say “hello” or “good morning”, I nearly knocked someone off their bike with surprise with my cheery greeting, I guess we’re used to our own company when we’re sitting in our cars.
Red lights are awesome, without looking like an unfit retard, you get a chance to have a rest. No guilt tripping yourself for stopping.
Mountain bikes are slow!!!!! I need to get some slicks when I get my own bike.
My hands smell of a strange rubber from the handle grips.
I have 45 minutes of thinking time.
My baggy snowboarding jacket that is fashionable on the mountains just doesn’t cut it on Britain’s pavements. It’s all about the skin tight, ultra fitted, and I guess all over prints are a no no. That must be the difference between commuter fashion and the dirt tracks!
I can still ride with no hands, woop!
Cars don’t like bikes, oh hang on that’s not a new observation. But I am experiencing the hate from the other angle. No longer will I shout “Pay your road tax!”
There are loads of rabbits that live in the verge, at 70mph you just don’t notice.
I don’t miss Chris Moyles.
Being overtaken by a little grommet on a BMX will not happen again!
Apparently I look like Simon Pegg (Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead) so when I was conned into doing the London to Brighton bike ride, when I have not got on a bike since stabilizers my mind went to the film Run Fatboy Run!
I’m getting a brand new bike on the cycle to work scheme, which is genius. I can’t afford a second hand bike but I can afford a brand new one on monthly payments.
I will keep you up to date here with my progress from fatboy to Yellow Jersey.
A funny video from the Caersws Cup this weekend in Slovenia. David Smith (Lazy Undercover Genius) got 2nd Rob Smith got 3rd , but it rained just before thier 2nd runs! Check this vid out haha David is one of the one crashing and Rob is the one near the end who does it without crashing!
